Shock new claim: “Keene destroyed walls of Jericho”

In a sensational development, it was claimed today that chess Grandmaster Raymond Keene was the man responsible for knocking down the walls of Jericho. For some 3,000 years, this notorious act of vandalism has been blamed on the Israelites, who were said to have brought down the walls, after walking round them for seven days, shouting and blowing rams’ horns. But in a new report, campaigners for the “Free the Israelite 500” group claimed that the true culprit was the infamous chess impresario, Ray “The Penguin” Keene.

“Hurrah!! Last one in the restaurant’s a cissy!” (photo:

“This is one of the great miscarriages of justice in world history”, claimed Mr E Justin Termite, the leader of the campaigners. “Everybody knows that Keene was responsible for knocking down the walls. He was determined to get rid of them, because they were blocking the shortest route from his house to Simpsons-in-the-Strand.”

The group’s claims were backed by retired police officer, Ernie “Good Moaning” Crabtree, who revealed that police had long suspected Keene of the crime. “We hid the Ponguin in the frome all along”, claimed Crabtree, “but we were inable to prave it”.

Sources at Interpol have also revealed that Mr Keene is suspected of involvement in the Black Death, the Whitechapel Murders and global warming.

A smiling Keene, pictured in 1906, shortly after triggering the San Francisco earthquake (Photo:

Keene was unavailable for comment this morning, as his family claimed he “had gone out to finish building the Iranian nuclear reactor”.

%d bloggers like this: