Termitewatch (2)

One of the most hilarious characters amongst the termitoidae is Ernie “Good Moaning” Lazenby, the Egregious Forum’s very own equivalent of ‘Allo ‘Allo’s Officer Crabtree, “that idiotic policeman who thinks he can speak French”. The self-styled “retierd plodd” (sic) clearly sees himself as the voice of common sense amongst the cretins by whom he is surrounded. To some extent, he is, and his support for Lara and Alex has been unstinting, but sadly, his illiteracy makes him a laughing stock. One of his recent gems was “manor (sic) from heaven”!

 “We must get rod of CJ, before he drips us all in the shoot!” (photo: gringoes.com) 

I was therefore highly amused at being described by him recently as “offensive”. My crime was having written of CJ’s recent announcement: “Was it his resignation, or an apology to Lara, perhaps? Was it fairy cakes”. Our Ernie appears to think this was some kind of homophobic slur!

Reluctant though I am to question the authority of such an expert on homophobia as a former member  of the constabulary, I have to point out to him that the expression “Was it fairy cakes” is quite a common one “round our way”, amongst native English speakers (not a genus to which Ernie could ever be accused of belonging, admittedly). It is used as a cleaner version of saying “Was it f*!k”.

Perhaps I should in future just stick to the unexpurgated expletive? Alternatively, maybe my explanation would be easier for Officer Lazenby to follow, if I put it in the sort of language for which his TV alter ego is famous:

“I was roading your wobsite, and hoppened to spit that you have atticked me…”

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